Scars
by creepishlyDelirious
Summary: Gamzee is acting strange and Karkat is determined to find what's going on. Warning: self harm and angst. Rated M just to be sure. Also, the characters belong to Hussie and not me. I only own the plot.


One more time.

One more time the knife goes through your skin.

One more time your blood stains the floor of your room.

Indigo blood.

Why did you do this one? Oh yes, Equius. He said you are unworthy of your blood. What can you say? You may be but you didn't chose it. This is why you do what you do. You're getting it out. Every time someone says something that hurts you, you are getting a little of your blood out. You have no idea how long you keep doing this. Your arms are almost covered in thin white lines, but you don't care. It's not like anyone will give a shit about you or worry about the scars.

Carefully you rise from the floor and walk toward the door but a sudden noise from your computer makes you stop in your tracks. You turn to look at the object over your shoulder. Who is it this time? Is it Equius or Sollux again or is it someone else? Whatever, you aren't in the mood to deal with anyone right now so you start for the door again, soon to be stopped by another sound, then another and another. Sighing you walk in the opposite direction, your steps unsure and trembling. To your dismay it doesn't take a lot of time to reach the desk and, since your dizziness is getting worse with any passing moment, you sit down in the chair and look at the screen to see the name of the troll that demands your attention. It's just Karkat. You should have guessed it from the storm of incoming messages. What does he want anyway?

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

CG: GAMZEE

CG: HEY FUCKASS

CG: HEY GET YOUR FUCKING RETARDED ASS HERE

CG: GAMZEE FOR FUCKS SAKE ANSWER ME

CG: I SWEAR TO GOG IF YOU DON'T ANSWER ME I WILL COME ALL THE WAY TO YOUR FUCKING HIVE AND FUCKING SHOVE YOUR STUPID CLOWN FACE UP YOUR NOOK

TC: HeY mOtHeRfUcKeR

CG: OH GOG YOU FINALLY DECIDED TO ANSWER ME

CG: WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG?

TC: sOrRy KaRbRo

TC: I wAs KiNdA mOtHeRfUcKiN bUsY

CG: FOR YOUR OWN GOOD GAMZEE I HOPE YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING RECKLESS

You are about to answer when another headache kicks in. You immediately catch your head in your hands and clench your teeth. Every time, after you have to deal with someone bulling you, you are tormented by strong headaches and the bloodloss only makes it worse. Having to deal with the pain you completely forget about your best friend, but he makes sure to remind you with another message.

CG: HEY GAMZEE

CG: WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING?

CG: GAMZEE IS EVERYTHING OK?

TC: SoRrY bRoThEr

TC: I jUsT fElT a LiTtLe DiZzY fOr A mOmEnT

CG: DIZZY?

CG: GAMZEE WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM ME?

CG: GAMZEE I DEMAND YOU TO TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG BECAUSE I'M FUCKING WORRYING HERE YOU MORON. YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING STUPID AND GOT SICK. TELL ME YOU AREN'T SICK GAMZEE. IF YOU ARE SICK I'LL COME THERE AND MAKE SURE YOU'LL GET IT IN YOUR EMPTY THINKPAN THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. GAZMEE ARE YOU EVEN FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TELLING YOU?

TC: kArKaT

TC: I kNoW hOw To TaKe CaRe Of MySeLf. YoU dOn'T nEeD tO wOrRy AbOuT mE bRoThEr.

CG: HOW CAN I NOT WORRY ABOUT YOU YOU STUPID SHITHEAD? IT'S MY JOB TO WORRY ABOUT YOU SINCE I'M YOUR FUCKING MOIRAIL. OR YOU FORGOT ABOUT THAT TOO? YOU REMEMBER I'M YOUR MOIRAIL RIGHT?

TC: I MOTHERFUCKING KNOW THIS

TC: SoRrY

TC: i DiDn'T mEaN tO sHoUt At YoU lIkE tHaT

It takes a few moments for Karkat to answer and when he does you don't actually like his answer.

CG: GAMZEE I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU FUCKING SAY I'M COMING THERE. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE GET OUT OF THE HIVE GAMZEE. DON'T. YOU. FUCKING. DARE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

You sigh in frustration as you reread the last message. Perfect. Your motherfucking Moirail is on his way here all determined to know what's wrong. You sigh again. It's not like you hate him or you don't like his company. It's just...you don't want him to see you in this condition. You look like shit. You haven't eaten for days and you have black bags under your eyes. You look like a dead troll brought back to life without a reason and only to be treated like a trash. Cursing under your breath you stand up to go lay on your hornpile, but the sudden move you made makes your headache stronger and you almost fall. You do your best to stay on your feet and make it to your goal though, the moment your hand leaves the back of the chair you were holding for support, you feel the world around you grow dark and the last thing you see is the floor getting closer and closer.

**= Let's go see what Karkat is doing.**

Damn.

Damn damn damn DAMN!

This is all you can think as you run toward your best friend's hive. It's almost time for the sun to rise but you don't care. You have to go to Gamzee. You may not show it most of the times but you care about the stupid clown. He is your Moirail for gog's sake, of course you care for him! This is what you say to yourself every day, but deep down you know it to be an excuse. You know that you don't want to be this fucker's Moirail. No no no no no.

Your thoughts are interrupted because you look up and see the other's hive in the distance and so you move your legs faster, if that's even possible. The rest happen like in fast forward for you. You reach for the spare key, that you got for occasions like this one, open the door and run upstairs to the clown's room, only to feel the time stop the moment you open the door. In the floor next to the desk lies no other than the one you came here for, Gamzee, and a few steps away you see a spot of indigo blood. You hear your mind scream at you to move, run toward him and see if he's alright and, even if you want to, you realize you can't. Your feet are glued to the spot and you thing your whole body is trembling. When you manage to get a hold of yourself you make your way to yours friend's side and kneel next to him, shaking him to wake him up. You see him stir and you remove your hands to give him the space he needs to move. Slowly he brings his hands in a position that makes it easy for him to raise himself and you think you see him grimace when he pushes. You decide to not say anything and you just move to help him, only to have him push you away. You are taken aback but once again keep your mouth shut.

After a while he's sitting on the floor in front of you, bringing his hand up to hold his head and this is when you see it. His right hand is all covered in dried blood. HIS blood. Without thinking you grab it and bring it in front of your face to examine it and you widen your eyes the second your mind possess what you just saw. He drags his hand away from yours and you look up to his face only to see him glaring daggers at you.

"G-Gamzee what...?"

"None of your business." he states flatly.

You watch him as he stands up and walks to his pile, lying so you can only see his back. Instantly you feel a wave of emotions wash over you. Worry, sadness and most of all betrayal. Yes. You feel so betrayed when you know you should feel angry. You wonder why you can't feel this anger. What a stupid thing to do. You know why. He's your friend, and most importantly, your Moirail and even if you want to you can't stay angry at him. You can only feel betrayed. Betrayed because there's something wrong with him and he's not telling you. Betrayed because he shoves you away without explaining anything to you. Betrayed because he doesn't allow you to help him when this is the only thing you want to do.

Gathering your courage you stand up and move to lie down next to Gamzee, facing him. He seems to not notice you or he just doesn't give a fuck you're right there, almost a breath away.

"Gamzee?" you whisper trying to get his attention.

He keeps ignoring you, his face hidden behind his messy bangs and his hands. You move your hand to carefully touch his bloody wrist, but you soon regret it. His eyes open wide at the contact and his other hand strongly grabs your wrist, squeezing it and causing you to flinch because of the sharp pain. He squeezes harder and you close your eyes in a desperate attempt to block the pain he inflicts. You then hear some horns in the pile honk and you realize he moves, the new pressure in your legs and your other hand showing that he's on top of you, pinning you down. It's not a long time before you feel his hot breath in your face.

"Look at me."

You close your eyes tighter at the sound of his voice. Rough and commanding. So alien to you. So unlike Gamzee.

"I said look at me!"

You try to move away from him but his grip on you is strong. Yet, you still try, even if the low growl he lets out means he's not pleased with your actions and that you should probably stop. You just don't care. You're scared and you just want to go away from him. He's your friend and yet he scares you so much you want to run away from him and hide. You make one last attempt to free yourself. Another thing you shouldn't do and you learn it the hard way when his fist meets your face. You hear and feel the bone cracking as your head turns to the side.

"I said to motherfucking look at me!"

You slowly open your eyes and turn to look at him, red tears running down your face and the bruise you know starts forming in your face, only to see him ready to strike again. Fear takes control over your features and, out of pure despair, you look straight at his eyes. There's an animalistic furry in them but you still have to try, you still have to believe and hope, that Gamzee is in there somewhere. That he'll come back to you. For a moment you see something change in him. It's like, for a moment, he is not sure if he wants to hit you, but when that moment's gone he just growls and brings his hand down. Your eyes once more close waiting for the painful contact that, in your surprise, never comes. You quickly look up to see what stopped him and you gasp. Gamzee is sitting there, head tilted down so you can not see his expression, panting, with his own claws digging into his arm. The same hand that was about to beat you is now used to rip open it's owner's flesh, causing more blood to coat the gray flesh. This is when you notice the thousand other white lines all over Gamzee's arms. You try to raise your hand again to touch him but you stop midways. What if he flips again?

"Gamzee?"

Nothing.

"Please Gamzee, look at me."

Still nothing.

"Gog damnit Gamzee, please." You sob out.

He raises his head a little, enough only for him to see you. You move your hand toward him again. He doesn't seem to care about it and so you move it closer and closer until you touch his face. A slight brush of your fingertips at his cold, wet skin. Wet? Is Gamzee...crying? Without hesitating you stand up, as much as your position allows you, and grab his face bringing it closer to yours. Indeed, he is crying. Purple colored tears are floating from his empty emotionless eyes. You are at a loss of words. Never in a million sweeps you could imagine this one troll to be so sad and emotionless. He still has his clown make up on and yet he looks nothing like the clown he usually was. Not knowing what to do to bring him back you do the only thing that comes to your mind. You kiss him. The moment your lips connect to his you feel so strange. You wanted to do this for a long time now but you just couldn't. Actually, you were wasting enough time imagining how it will be the first time you'll kiss him, but this scenario never crossed your mind. You used to imagine he'll happily kiss back and not just stay there do nothing. You are about to break the kiss when he pushes you away and turns his back at you again.

"Go away Karkat." You hear his trembling voice say.

"Gamzee I-"

"Go away."

You take a moment considering to actually leave.

"No." You state firmly.

You just see him clench his fists at your response.

"You have no reason to stay here anymore."

"This is not true and you know it."

"Yes Karkat, I know. I know about what everyone truly thinks about me. It's not like you try to hide it anyway. You only make it easier for me to understand by reminding me every motherfucking day. Even you, my supposed best bro and my Moirail, makes sure to tell me everyday how much you hate me. So yes motherfucker, I know that what I said is true. You have no reason to stay here anymore. You can walk out that door and motherfucking forget about me. I'll make sure to never bother you again. Not you and not anyone else. Now, please, just leave, I wanna stay alone."

You just sit there with your mouth wide open listening to what he said. Hate him? You don't hate him. How could you do so anyways? Sure you say you do to him and everyone else but that doesn't mean you mean it. Wait. Does that mean that whatever you and the other trolls said to him he was taking seriously? Was this the reason those scars existed? Damn! You officially fucked up as a Moirail. You never understood that something was wrong with him and you were never there for him. Instead you just worsen the situation by being an asshole and make him believe you hate him. And why? Because you were a coward that couldn't face his feelings. The feelings that even now you run away from. You sigh and look at him. What can you do for him now? Is it too late for you to help him and, if not, how can you help? Maybe if you...Yes, that sounds like a good idea.

Hesitantly you crawl toward him and hug him around the waist, your face hidden in his back. You feel his muscles tense and his breathing coming out slower.

"I'm not leaving you Gamzee."

He sighs and you tighten your grip afraid that he might break free and go away.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not anymore. I'm really sorry for what I said all this time, but you have to understand that I didn't mean any of them. I...I was just so afraid. Afraid of what I felt and I tried to...to run away from it."

You can listen to your voice breaking as you talk and you know he does to. What you don't know is how he's reacting.

"What you felt?"

It's your time to tense. What do you say now? You think for a moment and you open your mouth to answer, but no words come out. Instead, tears start falling from you eyes and soon after you start sobbing. You feel Gamzee moving around and soon you're picked up and placed on his lap, his arms holding you tightly against his strong chest. He then starts shooshing you and brushing your hair with his long fingers. You wish you could stop crying and do something to respond to his actions.

"Ga-Gamzee I..."

He shooshes you again and he bents down to kiss your forehead, making you actually stop crying from the surprise.

"Ga-"

"Shoosh brother. I understand."

You blush at the smile on his face and at what his words mean. He understands. He knows how you feel and he's happy. Does that mean he feels the same way?

You feel the blush in your face spread and you look down. You frown. His wounds are still open and unclean and if they don't get treated soon it's very possible they'll get infected. You look back at him, frown still on your face.

"I need to take care of these Gamz. Now, to the bathroom."

He blinks but stands up with you still curled on his chest and walks to the bathroom. You motion for him to let you down and, when he does, you sit him down on the floor and proceed to wet a towel that hangs nearby and then find some clean bandages. You can feel his eyes following you around and, when you start softly cleaning the blood, they follow your hand's moves. He's not saying anything. He's just watching. Soon you're using the bandages to cover the abused flesh. One bandage in his right wrist and the other, the bigger one, on in his left arm just below his elbow. You stare at the white cloth as it starts get stained with purple, but you get out of your trance when Gamzee snaps his fingers next to your ear.

"Hey Karbro. It seemed like your mind was motherfucking flying away. It was creepy man."

You smile at him. Yes, it's him now, your best friend. The happy and stupid clown you fell in love with stands now in front of you. Before your mind can posses what you're doing you're all over his lap again. Your arms around his neck and your lips glued to his, kissing with all the love you were hiding for so many sweeps. You feel him kiss back. His own hands snake to hug you around the waist and pull you closer to him and his head is tilted so he can deepen the kiss. You feel a euphoria spread at your body that stays even after the intense kissing and as you let your forehead rest against his. He smiles widely at you and you know your whole face is glowing red as you smile back.

"Flushed for you my stupid clown."

"Flushed for you too Karbro." he says while kissing your nose.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you were finally able to accept your feelings and, maybe, save your matesprit from those scars.

**Ok, this is my first attempt to write something Homestuck related that I'm willing to post so I'm not sure if the characters are OOC. They probably are but I really tried for them not to be so please forgive me in case I failed to do so. **

**I would also appreciate you to review and tell me if you liked the story and if there are some things I have to try and improve for next stories to be better.**

**Anyway, thank you for the time you took to read this story and I wish you have a good rest of the day :)**


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